Personality and Attitude

Bismillahirahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum.

I did take a few minutes to actually come out with what to write for the entry.
And to start with the praise to Allah is always the best way to start doing anything.
Anything.

Its been a while for me to put on the silent mode for this blog.
I really miss writing. I do.
And im not going to list out my excuses here.
Simply because I have no other excuses apart from being LAZY. hahahahha.

Well sometimes i did feel like writing on the spot especially when I have something on my mind.
And trust me, I have  a lot in my mind.
Unfortunately at my place the network is so poor.
To the extend u barely forget what u have in your mind early in the morning because its already noon just to get to the first page of the www.
Get it?
So most of the time I just ignore the intention of doing so and keep the laptop off my side neatly.

I miss writing. I do. See i repeat the sentence again.
I refuse to reminisce the good old days when I used to write whenever I want.
Because it did not make any changes to the current situation.
I mean, network.

And I hope this entry will be the stepping stone for me to actively writing again.
So here it begin.

I am no longer holding the Miss title. I am officially married to my husband on 30th March 2012.
And i love him.

And I am no longer a career woman, I am officially a fulltime housefiwe.
And yet to be a mother. In case u wonder.

And this fulltime housewife thingy sometimes makes me feel like im a loser.
Sometimes.
Why? Because Ive been perceived as that way by surround people.
Well I am perceive ive been perceived that way by them.
How?
By asking me ' tak bosan lagi ke duk rumah?' 'duk rumah buat apa?' 'tak try apply ke kerja lain' 'try la cari cari kerja' yada yada yada.
Does it sound irritating to you?
Well it does for me.
Hell yes!

U know, its not that easy to wake up early in the morning knowing that u have to stay at home
while watching people rushing to their workplace.
Its not the best scenery I can say.
But it is our decision. And trust me, we know what best for us.
So peeps! Stop interrogating my life. Will ya???
To be honest, Im sick of it!!! See the exclamation mark there?
It shows how much it hurts and how annoyed I am when U ask me that kind of question.
Or any question related to that.

I have to admit that I do take people words seriously.
It does affect me to the extend of hating my self.
Why?
Because I have always been a subject of laugh.

I grew up as a fat girl and been called by a lot of funny, well thats what they thought, name most of the time.
I remember when I refused to socialize with people especially relatives because of this reason.
I didnt want to see them, didnt want to meet them. Even during Aidulfitri.
And always spend my time alone.
In my room. I was antisocial.
Ive got scolded by my parents for being, well from what they see, rude.
Ive been called a 'bulldozer' by my uncle in front of others. I didnt get out from my room when he and his family left. And scolded by my parents for being rude.
God knows what they thought about me for such behaviour and seriously if they ever had that kind of thought, i would rather advice them to review their behaviour first before judging others behaviour towards them.
I dont want to entertain the guess and introduce myself.
Because I dont want them to make any comment about me. Most of the time in front of other people.
Its just one of many.
Trust me Ive gone through a lot.
And all of those insulting event kept on haunting my self for my whole life.

I refuse to socialize.
Because I dont want to be insulted anymore.
And when they tend to compare my self with my siblings.
How fat I was compared to my sister.
How different I was.
And how ive always been scolded by my parents because of that.
It hurts. and it grew the feeling of hatred. Not only to myself because I cant make my parents proud, but to those who insult me.

I grew up with a very low self esteem.
For what ever bad happened, I blamed my self.
I hate myself.
And how I wish I was another person.
I grew up trying my best to impress others.

It affect me that much. So much.
That is the reason why Ive been easily hurts by people's word.
That is the reason why I take people's word seriously.
I tried and still trying to cure myself from this disease.
But it takes time as the side effect from my childhood nightmare planted so deep in my heart, it defines the person I am today.

So peeps, whenever u want to speak, u want to comment about someone, think twice.
Look at the surrounding. If theres a lot of other people with you, dont make any comment u think funny but actually it is insulting to the person.
U will not know how u think ur funny-im-just-kidding-dont-take-it-seriously-chill-rileks la-gurau je-words can affect a person that much.
U cant simply scold your children by not doing something u want them to do without  considering their side.
Give them an opportunity to at least explain their behaviour
Dont simply jump into conclusion.

As for me, I try my best not to make any comment whenever I see fat children, fat person.
Especially in front of others. Because it was me.
Biasanya during Aidulfitri, bila bertandang or org datang bertandang ada anak yang chubby, atau person yg montel mesti akan cakap 'sihat nye dia' ' gemuknya dia' ' besor die dari abang/kakak' 'sama besor dgn abah or mak' 'besor anak sedara dari pak/mak sedara' ' kenapa gemuk nya' yada yada
And trust me, even the child/person laugh with you and it seems like he/she feels nothing, we dont know whats inside right?
The child/person tries his/her best utk jaga hati mak ayah dorang, jaga hati orang lain while others dont even care about their own.
Take your time to be in their shoes.
What do u feel. At least once.

So in a conclusion of my long entry,
I just want people to think, how their behaviour affect others that much.
I am a living example. I am a victim.
And I still struggle to get rid of 'what people might think/said about me because im fat' feeling.
Its hard. Hell hard.

And here is word of wisdom to the people out there:

DONT GET MY PERSONALITY AND MY ATTITUDE TWISTED, BECAUSE MY PERSONALITY IS ME, AND MY ATTITUDE DEPENDS UPON YOU.

Have a nice day.
:)