Self esteem and confidence

I don’t know why I choose this topic. I just feel like this topic somehow relate to my self. My own experience. I have to admit. There was a time where I have no confidence in myself. I hate to socialize with others. I hate crowded places, I hate noisy places. I just like to be with my self. Spent time with my self. Locked myself inside my room and listened to the music and tried to motivate myself. Said something good about myself. Talked to myself. Told myself nice words and always sang motivation songs, even though I know that I don’t have the voice. My favorite songs are “stay the same by Joey Mcintyre”, “cant take that away by Mariah Carey” and “return to innocence by Enigma”. The wording are very nice and since people around me at that time kept saying something bad about me, always gave a bad word to me, make fun of me, so I just sang these songs to remind me that I am not that bad and I have the right to be happy and I would not let them to take that right from me.

The reason why they always make fun of me is because I am FAT. That is the only reason. I am fat compared to others siblings. People, when it comes to think about other’s feeling, they tend to ignore and just forget. But when it comes to their own feelings, seems like they are going to tell the whole word that they are hurt. Someone hurt their feelings or perhaps tell to that person either directly or indirectly. But for me, I don’t have the gut to do that kind of action at that time, I always think about people’s feeling. Because most of them are my own relatives. So I tried my best to take care of their feelings. I don’t want my parents to feel ashamed with my behavior, so that is why I just kept it inside. And without I realize, its affect my confidence level, my self esteem, my behavior, my social skills, the whole me.

I’ve grown up as a very sensitive person, don’t have confidence in myself, afraid to speak in front of others, afraid to give an opinion and don’t know how to socialize with others. Because I’ve learnt, no matter how much I care or I gave opinion, people just don’t care back. In return, I am the one who got hurt. So I just kept quiet and don’t speak. I don’t like to gather with my relatives because they are the person who always make fun of me. I am really sorry to say this, but it was true. I still remember, one of my uncle, called me as bulldozer even though I have my own name. He called that “name” in front of others and make fun of me. He is a motivator but, for me, he is not qualified to be a motivator. He don’t even knows how to call a person nicely, how come he can motivate people. All he knows just de-motivate person and not motivate them. His behavior make me judge him like that, and I don’t have any respect towards him. I am really2 sorry. I know that as my uncle, I am supposed to respect u. Yes I do respect u as a person that is older than me, that is all I can do. That explain why I don’t really close with him. Another uncle, told me that, I have no chance at all to loss weight. And his sons, my cousins, tend to make fun of me whenever we met. Usually during “hari raya”. And my few aunties do make a comparisons and make fun of me too.

Because of them, I don’t like to socialize with others. I prefered to stay at home, alone, while my family went out to town and visited our relatives. Its affect my performance at school. I mean in terms of presentation skills, and my kokorikulum. I don’t really got involved with activities in school because I am afraid about what people might think about me. I am afraid that they will make fun of me. And to make it worse, I have this feeling “ I hate myself sooooo bad”.

But now, I start to gain back my self esteem, I start to have a confidence in myself, I start to learn how to socialize with others. I don’t care anymore if people want to make fun of me because I know my self, I know what I am doing and I am a motivator myself. For me to gain all of these, required a lot of time and effort. I still have with me a few file consist of inspire words, I searched it on myself, and compile it into a few files, and used to read it whenever they make fun of me. That is why I called myself as a motivator. I am manage to motivate myself and I am doing it very well.

And now, I don’t need that file anymore. I just kept it in one box in my home, just go through it whenever I want to tidy up my room. I smile whenever I read the file, and say to myself “congratulation girl, u have succeed”

For those who always make fun of me-->Please learn how to respect people and remember, what goes around, comes around. And don’t blame me if sometimes I said something hurt to u because, I’ve learnt it from you. You are the one who makes me to behave like that towards you, and sometimes I just cant control it. I try my best to control it, and respect u because I don’t want to be like u. And thank you so much for always make fun of me. I’ve learnt how to respect people’s feelings, I’ve learnt not to make fun of others, I’ve learnt to always take care of others.

Now, I love myself, my family, my life. Thank god for always be with me, for the strength that U’ve gave me and for Your bless. I’ve learnt a lot. Alhamdulillah.